It’s Elizabeth again, back to discuss a talk I recently heard about abuse within relationships and the best ways to intervene as a bystander.  On February 10, I attended a talk sponsored by the Domestic Violence Ministry and Stepping Stones Ministry of Our Lady of the Wayside and St. James.  Grant Stenzel, a former pastor and mental health professional, presented on healthy relationships and engaged bystanders while Mr. Stenzel geared his talk towards teens; really, though, I think his focus on an individual’s dignity and healthy relationships applies to all ages.

Our dignity stems from God’s view of us.  The world measures value in many ways including career, salary, net worth, and physical attractiveness.  When we base our value on these qualities, it’s impossible for most to measure up.  But God says He fully loves us, wonderfully makes us, and happily choses us.  He created us in His image and then died for us when our sin separated us from Him.  Our belief and self-value shape our inner dialogue and our emotions towards ourselves and others.  Once we believe God’s truth about us, we value ourselves and those around us, especially the marginalized.
Abuse is never acceptable exactly because God fully loves each of us, wonderfully makes each of us, and happily choses each of us.  Yet, we often accept poor treatment from others and even ourselves.  In my own life, I’ve stayed quiet during harassment and bullying or listened to my own harsh internal dialogue.  Seeing ourselves as God does is a difficult process.  So, while abuse is never acceptable, sufferers tolerate it for many reasons: They believe they deserve it or they can change the abuser. They may even fear judgement due to being a victim, or from their abuser him or herself.  Finally, they believe leaving their abuser may cause more harm than staying.

While we commonly think of abuse as physical or emotional, abuse also takes other forms, such as financial, sexual, stalking, and digital.  Signs that you may be abused include but are not limited to the following:

• Checking digital media or presence
• Extreme jealousy and insecurity
• Constant put downs
• Explosive temper
• Isolation
• False accusations
• Mood swings
• Physical hurt
• Possessiveness
• Sexual pressure

If you recognize these signs in your relationship please reach out for help because the relationship will not get better. If you have concerns about your relationship or you are unsure if the relationship is abusive, ask yourself what advice would you give a friend in your situation?  We may struggle with our self-value, but often we see our friends’ real value and believe they deserve to be treated well.

Seeing your relative or friend in an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult.  If you are unsure what such a relationship looks like from the outside, signs of abuse in others can include:

• Decreased time with friends
• Constant check-ins
• Worried about social media
• A jealous possessive partner
• Dressing or acting different
• Quieter, less confident, anxious, or depressed
• Brushing off concerning interactions
• Being threatened
• Your gut says something is not right

If you, as a bystander, recognize these signs, start a conversation with your relative or friend.  Don’t rush to assess the situation; just listen.  Let them tell their full story without any interruption, judgement, or commentary.  Believe their story, validate them, and thank them for telling you.  Once they’ve finished, praise them for their courage.  Sufferers struggle to trust and confide in others, especially if they fear retribution or judgement from society.  Sufferers need to feel heard, cared for, accepted, and understood.  These feelings may not be present in their relationship, and we all need to feel safe around those we trust.

Do not criticize their actions, minimize the abuse, defend the abuser, or take control.  Check your emotions at the door and just listen.  Once they have confided in you, ask them what actions they are comfortable with next and allow them to take the lead while you support them.  In their relationship, they most likely lost control of their decisions or actions so they get to control who they confide in and their actions when leaving.  This may be uncomfortable, but we need to be comfortable with other’s discomfort.
At the end, one teenager asked Mr. Stenzel how we can fulfill God’s call to love our neighbor while distancing ourselves from abusers or if our report causes permanent consequences for the abuser.  This was a wonderful question and a difficult situation for many of use.  Often our society blames the individual who reported abuse in relationships, the workplace, or other social situations for the consequences to the abuser.  First, the consequences do not result from you reporting abuse.  The consequences directly result from the abuser’s actions. Additionally, these consequences do not mean we have failed to love our neighbor.  These consequences may be necessary for the abuser to overcome abuse in their own lives or to learn to truly love others and themselves. 

I think Confession is a wonderful analogy for this situation.  When I attend Confession, God requiring penance does not mean He loves me less.  Instead, the penance acts as a springboard to rebuild the relationships my sin has damaged.  Even after I complete my penance, I may need to do extra work to rebuild relationships.  It is the same for those who abuse.  While contact with their victims is not recommended, consequences for their abuse may help them not abuse others in the future.

If you or someone you know is being abused please visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org.